


Comforting Embraces

by lonelysector23



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Nightmares, Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 15:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10970568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelysector23/pseuds/lonelysector23
Summary: (Follow-up to "Crossroads.")Lily confides in Cullen about her nightmares.





	Comforting Embraces

The fire was _everywhere._

Her skin felt as if it was getting seared through her armor and her lungs burned with every breath she took, the black smoke entering her body and poisoning her slowly. She couldn’t see anything. Did her companions manage to escape? Was everyone safe? Where _was_ she? Nothing was visible through the dark clouds of smoke that swirled all around her. Sweat dripped down her face, burning her eyes and the bleeding gash down her left eye.

She attempted to take another step when a large, clawed hand shot out from the flames, grabbing her arm. A scream erupted from her when its claws dug into her skin, the mark on her hand suddenly sparking and sending a searing pain down her arm as she was suddenly yanked up into the air. Terror coursed through her veins as she looked into a face made up of leathery skin melded with red crystals, illuminated by fire and green light. Its eyes were full of rage and disgust as its lips pulled back into a sneer. Another scream of pure agony ripped through her as she felt her arm pop out of its socket.

_This is it._

She silently said goodbye to everything and everyone she ever cared about, trying to not think of the man in which she had entrusted her most beloved possession. Doing so would only make it hurt more. Tears clouded her vision as she watched the creature raise a hand, its jagged claws ready to rip into her body. She closed her eyes as its claws lunged for her throat.

~~~

Lily felt a scream tear from her throat as she jolted awake. Tears streamed down the sides of her face, soaking her hair and pillow. Her body was covered in a cold sweat, her heart was racing against her chest and her throat felt sore as she gasped for air. She gaped up at the ceiling, her eyes wide with fear as she remained still, slowly becoming aware of everything around her. She could hear the gentle crackling of the fire in her quarters, saw its warm light casting dancing shadows on the walls and ceiling. The light scent of fresh mint hung in the air. Moonlight poured in from her closed balcony doors, illuminating the small specks of dust slowly drifting through the air.

She should have known she was safe and in her quarters, but she was too scared to move from the bed. Her attention shifted to her left arm. She moved it slowly, calming down slightly when she realized she had full mobility and that the mark was stable. It was only then when she carefully sat up in bed and took in her surroundings completely. Her stone collection remained on her desk, right where she had left it the night before – she could see the moonlight reflecting off a few of them. Her boots were toppled over on the floor next to her bed, along with one of her blankets. A few crumpled reports were scattered on one side of her bed. She forced back a sob threatening to escape her throat as she brought the locket around her neck to her lips and began to take deep breaths.

There was a time when she would have prayed to the Maker after waking from such violence. She didn’t see the point in doing so anymore.

She glanced at her nightstand, seeing the small bundle of mint she normally kept by her bed and immediately grabbed it, bringing up the fragrant leaves to her nose and closed her eyes as she inhaled. The only comfort she had was that the nightmares didn’t happen as often as they used to. Still, that didn’t mean they were any less terrifying. Her arms shook as she pulled off her tunic and dabbed at her chest and neck, shivering as the cool air caressed her damp skin. She unfastened her breastband as she climbed out of bed and made her way to the washbasin.

There was no way she would be getting any more sleep tonight. She didn’t care that her eyelids were beginning to feel heavy and that her body felt exhausted - risking such horrors for a few hours of rest didn’t seem worth it to her.

A gasp escaped her lips as she splashed some cold water on her face and felt the cool liquid trickle down her torso. She made her way back to her dresser, not wanting to make matters worse by catching a cold. She quickly dried herself off  and pulled on a thick, baggy sweater before sitting at the edge of her bed.

Her quarters felt too empty, too quiet. She was feeling restless - she needed to leave her room, needed fresh air to breathe. Despite the vastness of her quarters, the room began to feel suffocating. Where would she possibly go at this hour? The library was probably just as empty as her quarters were. She ran a hand through her tangled hair and shifted on the bed, glancing down when she heard the rustling of parchment. The reports she didn’t get the chance to look through were still scattered around. She supposed she could look through them and drop them off in the War Room since she was already awake. She tried to smooth out the wrinkled reports as best as she could before signing them and headed for the main hall.

The main hall was mostly empty except for a few soldiers doing their rounds, making her relax slightly. She had to admit she was getting tired of being gawked at and whispered about every time she left her quarters each morning. The soldiers saluted as she got near, and she nodded in greeting, offering a polite smile as she walked past. After quickly making her way through Josephine’s empty office, she opened the door to the hallway leading to the War Room. It was colder here, the air blowing in from the broken down wall causing her to shiver. She wrapped her arms around herself and quickened her pace, eager to get away from the draft. Apparently, she was going to have to run back when she left.

She was halfway down the hall when she heard a muffled salute from the other side of the large doors to the War Room. She slowed her pace, wondering if she should turn back when the doors opened and out walked a few soldiers, the heavy wooden door closing loudly behind them. They were talking quietly among themselves, stopping to salute her when they saw her standing in the middle of the hall. They moved to the side to let her pass and she nodded in gratitude, bidding them a goodnight as she walked past.

Her pulse quickened as she realized it must have been Cullen who was in the War Room at this hour. It had been a few weeks since he reached out to her, wanting to drop the formalities between them and establishing what Lily thought to be a form of friendship. These types of matters were something she didn’t know much about since she wasn’t really close to anyone in the Circle. Being close to people was very new to her and she didn’t want to assume things only to realize she had misinterpreted things later. This was the main reason why she was still cautious around Cullen - he wanted to drop the official titles between them, she knew that much, but she still wasn't sure what that meant. They spoke often and she found it was getting easier to speak with him, but she was having trouble figuring out what actions would be considered as friendship and what other actions could be interpreted as something more. Her feelings for him didn’t make the situation any easier. For now, she settled with the idea of speaking amicably with him but not intruding his personal space.

Her stomach fluttered as she walked toward the large doors, thinking back to a time when she would have turned back, wanting to avoid Cullen as much as possible. A light blush of embarrassment tinted her cheeks. Cullen was a smart man - surely he must have noticed she had been trying to keep her distance. She took a breath before knocking softly on the door.

“Yes?”

She bit her lip before opening the door slowly, poking her head in. Cullen was hunched over the war table, looking over the various markers scattered throughout the map. He was holding a few reports in his hand and had forgone his armor for the night. A few stray curls brushed his forehead as he ran his hand through his hair, coming down to rub the back of his neck. Lily couldn’t help but notice how the torches in the large room illuminated his tired expression. His face was set in a frown, brows furrowed together, and his eyes looked heavy with sleep. “Cullen?”

He immediately looked up, his mouth slightly hanging open in surprise before he looked back down at the map and frowned.

Lily felt her stomach drop. “I’m sorry for intruding.” She began to back out of the doorway when she heard his flustered voice.

“Lily, wait!”

She paused before opening the door a little wider and looking inside. Cullen was quickly making his way around the war table, slowing down when he saw her. “I apologize - it’s ah, been a long night,” he explained as he rubbed the back of his neck. It was a gesture he always did when he was feeling uneasy.

Lily stepped inside, her hand still on the door as she looked at the war table and the stack of reports he had been holding. “What’s wrong?”

Cullen glanced back at the large table. “I wasn’t sure how to mention this to you, but we have received correspondence from some people claiming to be your relatives. Do you know a woman named Catherine?”

Lily let out a sigh as she closed her eyes and bowed her head slightly. She walked past Cullen and made her way around the table, quickly finding the letter. Catherine’s elegant script was something she was familiar with. She placed her reports next to Cullen’s and began to skim through it. Typical Catherine - waving their name around whenever it could be used to her advantage. It seemed that she was now claiming to have a close relationship with Lily in order to gain the Inquisition’s assistance with petty matters. She sensed Cullen walking around the table to stand next to her as she looked over the paper again.

“She is my cousin, but we are nowhere near as close as she claims we are,” muttered Lily, placing the letter on the table.

Cullen shifted next to her. “What would you like to do?”

Hearing his voice so close made Lily shiver slightly despite feeling the heat radiating off of him. She sighed, biting her lip as she made herself focus on his question. Whatever she chose to do, she knew it wouldn’t placate the situation and she couldn’t help but wonder what consequences her choice would bring. Catherine was a force to be reckoned with when things didn’t go her way… but now was not the time for her childish behavior. “She needs to understand that she can’t throw the name of the Inquisition around so lightly. We need to reject any false claims she has been making and we can’t spare any resources to assist her with insignificant concerns.”

Cullen nodded. “I agree. I’ll prepare a report and let Josephine know your decision in the morning.” He reached for the letter, his arm brushing against hers lightly.

Lily frowned despite the tingles spreading through her arm at his touch and lightly placed her fingers on his arm. “It’s all right, I can do it. You’ve already been up for so long.” The gesture had occurred so naturally, she hardly had a second to think things through before she felt the warmth of his skin underneath her fingertips. It was only when she saw Cullen looking down at her hand that she realized what she had done. She quickly removed her hand, took Catherine’s letter and folded it, placing it in her pocket and stepped back. She avoided looking at him as her mind raced to think of something to say. Should she apologize? Try to pretend nothing happened? Luckily for her, he broke the silence first.

“It seems we both have.”

His voice held a trace of a smile and she took her chances as she looked up at him, surprised to find him smiling at her. She felt herself stare a little too long at his lips before she looked away, feeling heat rise to her cheeks as she began to feel a smile tug at her own. “I… guess that’s true.”

Cullen chuckled softly as he gathered the remaining reports, along with her own, into a neat pile and began to blow out the candles surrounding the map. Lily started to walk slowly towards the large doors when she heard his voice and she looked back at him, noticing a hesitant expression on his face.

“May I escort you to your quarters? If you’re not planning on going somewhere else, that is.” he cleared his throat as he fidgeted with the stacked reports.

Lily tensed as she remembered flashes of fire and smoke, of green light and red crystals. She remembered the burning pain running down her arm, the pain of her bones disconnecting. The agony wasn’t just a fading detail of her nightmare - it was something she had actually went through while she was awake… while she was in the clutches of Corypheus that night in Haven. She couldn’t go back to her quarters. The thought alone was enough to fill her with panic and she felt her hands begin to shake slightly.

“Lily?”

She looked up as Cullen began to make his way around the war table, walking towards her with a concerned expression. She willed her hands to stop shaking as she took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn’t begin to cry in front of him. “I…” she met his golden gaze and cleared her throat before looking away again. “I don’t want to be there right now.”

She could feel his eyes on her and knew he was probably waiting for some kind of explanation, but she couldn’t bring herself to give him one in that moment. Speaking to anyone about her nightmares was difficult for her. Most of her inner circle knew, of course. They knew about her sleepless nights, and found out about her nightmares when her screams woke the whole camp while they were away on a mission. It happened soon after the events of Haven, and had fortunately only occurred once.

Lily’s stomach felt heavy as she realized she might have put Cullen in an uncomfortable situation. She had seen his worried expression when he came to stand in front of her, and she felt guilty for causing it when he was visibly exhausted. He was probably planning on retiring for the night, and she might have just added to the list of concerns he already had. She was considering going to the library since his office was on the way when he began to speak.

“Would you like to go for a walk?” his voice was gentle as he spoke, his eyes soft as he looked at her.

Her surprise at his question was quickly replaced with guilt as she met his gaze. His eyes looked puffy, the circles under his eyes a little darker than usual. Their warm amber color, however, remained clear and bright as he looked back at her. The selfish part of her was tempted to accept, wanted to have his company. Still, she didn’t want him to waste his time on her - not when he needed to rest after working all day, like he usually did and when she knew quitting lyrium wasn’t making things any easier for him.

“Thank you, Cullen, but I’d rather not take up any more of your time at this hour,” she replied, looking down at her boots as she shifted her weight.

He shook his head slightly, dismissing her concern and began walking towards the door. “I don’t mind.” His began to push the door open before pausing suddenly. “Uh - unless you don’t want to.”

“I do,” Lily answered immediately, feeling warmth seep into her cheeks. “If… if you’re sure.”

She felt her heart skip a beat as he smiled at her. “I am,” he opened the door wider, turning back to her as he offered his arm just like he did a few weeks ago. “Shall we?”

She nodded as she walked towards him and placed her hand in the crook of his elbow, grateful that her hands weren’t shaking as much anymore. Her mind went back to that night in the library - the night that she allowed herself to close the distance between them, to accept his friendship. His long sleeved tunic prevented her from feeling the battle scars on his skin but she could still feel the pleasant warmth emanating from him. Her heart still raced, her legs still felt like jelly but she was able to endure it despite the yearning she felt in her chest. Nothing may happen between them but having him be part of her life in such a simple way made her happy. She didn’t regret her choice.

The cold breeze in the hallway barely bothered her - Cullen’s body heat was enough to keep the cold at bay as they walked down the hallway at a leisurely pace.

“Where would you like to go?” he asked, as he opened the door to Josephine’s office.

She immediately thought of the garden. It wasn’t too far and it was a place she liked to visit when she needed to quiet her mind. Being around the flowers and greenery soothed her, and she would sometimes feed the little birds that had made themselves at home in the trees.

The shyness she was feeling at that moment grew as she answered him. “The garden? If that’s alright.”

“Any - uh,” he cleared his throat as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Of course.”

Lily glanced up at him, wondering what he was going to say when they stepped into the main hall. The same soldiers who were doing their rounds earlier were still stationed in their original spots, saluting and murmuring greetings as they walked past. Cullen opened the doors leading to the garden and they were greeted by a cool breeze moving through the trees, the moonlight bright enough that it reflected off the leaves of a few of them. It was mostly empty, except for the occasional soldier walking through the torch-lit hallways.

They began to walk down the garden’s hallway as Cullen spoke. “I come here occasionally to play chess when I have the time, mostly at Varric’s behest. What was the phrase he used? ‘All work and no play.’ Apparently, I spend too much time with a serious expression on my face, and it’s bad for my health.”

Lily chuckled as she looked up at him. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to agree with him. It’s good to take breaks once in a while.”

“I suppose you’re right. They _have_ helped, actually.” Cullen smiled as he met her gaze.

She felt the usual blush that always came over her whenever she met his eyes begin to settle on her cheeks and she looked away, hoping he wouldn’t notice. They made their way into the garden, the scent of freshly dug dirt filling her nose as they walked by the new embrium and elfroot seedlings she had planted that afternoon. The damp ground felt soft underneath her boots, and she sighed at the relieving sensation in her joints.

They slowly walked over to a bench and Lily removed her hand from Cullen’s arm before they sat down. She pulled her long sleeves over her hands to try to keep them warm as she watched the trees sway lightly in the breeze. The silence that settled between them was palpable and she willed herself to glance at Cullen. The moonlight made his golden hair shine, made almost each individual strand visible. He was sitting close to her, his knee almost touching hers as he rested his elbows on them and he was looking down at his hands as he entwined his fingers together. She looked away before he could feel her stare, and focused on the swaying flowers in front of her.

Lily was trying to think of something to say and was coming up with nothing when she looked at him again, her stomach fluttering when she found him looking back at her. The expression on his face was something she couldn’t quite identify - it seemed to be a mix of concern and attentiveness, with something else underneath that she could only describe as soft, which confused her. She felt self-conscious as they looked at each other and she could feel herself begin to blush. She looked down at her hands, fidgeting with the long sleeves of her sweater. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked curiously.

Cullen immediately turned his gaze away at her question and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I - ah,” he dropped his hand to his lap, looking unsure of himself.

Lily cursed herself in her mind when she realized how rude her question sounded. She was about to apologize when he spoke again.

“Are you alright, Lily?” his voice was hesitant as he looked at her again.

The embarrassment from before settled in completely as she remembered how she had reacted in the War Room. Reacting to her nightmares like that in front of other people was not something she was used to - this usually happened in the privacy of her quarters. She always took the time to soothe herself after having them and it normally worked, except for those few nights that were a little more intense than usual. Those nights, she would need to leave her room to distract herself. Of course she would encounter Cullen during one of them. She was just grateful that they were occurring less frequently.

She took a deep breath before speaking and looked back down at her hands. “I’m sorry about before, Cullen. It was just a bad night.”

He shifted in his seat, turning his body slightly so that he was facing her. “I don’t mean to pry, but would you like to talk about it?”

Lily could feel his eyes on her and she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. It would be hard to talk about it without crying in front of him, and she didn’t want to put him in such an uncomfortable situation. But then again, how long would she be able to keep this up? One could only keep such things bottled up for so long. She trusted Cullen, knew that he wouldn’t judge her over something like this, but the idea of reliving her dream through words was something that made her hesitate. She decided to at least _try,_ her need for relief growing the more she thought about it.

She kept looking down at her hands, this time focusing on a piece of loose thread as she picked at it. “I get nightmares sometimes. They don’t happen very often anymore, but tonight was… it was a little rough.”

“What was the dream about?” Cullen asked softly.

Lily paused and bit her lip, bracing herself before speaking. “...It was that night in Haven.” she looked at him, thinking she heard him take a breath. He smiled slightly, nodding for her to continue. She was already feeling her chest tighten. “I always think about how full of life it was before everything…” she trailed off, taking a breath before speaking again. “All I saw as we ran back to the gates were the bodies of the people who were so full of joy moments before.” All people she was unable to save. She thought about that poor woman she found near the stables, kneeling in the snow, her body being held up by the greatsword that impaled her to the ground. She took another breath and swallowed, feeling her voice begin to shake. “Corypheus was in my dream tonight. I was surrounded by fire… I couldn’t breathe or see anything. Then I felt him grab my arm just like he did in Haven. I felt his fingers cut through my armor and sink into my skin as he lifted me like I was a rag doll. I can still see his face…” tears began to pool in her eyes, blurring her hands.

“The pain was so real - it was exactly the same.” Her brows furrowed as she stood from the bench, walking over to a large bush with a few white peony flowers. She held a branch gently in her hand, running her fingers softly along the leaves. “The worst part was knowing that I was going to die, that I was never going to see anything or anyone I ever cared about.” _That I was never going to see you again,_ she thought to herself, reaching up to hold the locket she had given him in Haven. A few tears escaped and fell onto the white flower she was holding. She felt a gentle touch at her elbow and she turned to find Cullen standing next to her. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve only for new tears to appear. He looked at her for a moment, his face a mix of understanding and sadness as he stepped closer and gently wrapped his arms around her. 

What Lily felt in that moment was something she hadn’t felt in years, since she was taken to the Circle. She was enveloped in warmth, security and gentleness, something that she didn’t realize until that moment that it was something she has been needing all these years. Her tears began to fall freely and a few sobs escaped her as she wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her hands just below his shoulders and relishing the comfort he was giving her. She closed her eyes as she felt his hand move in gentle circles on her back.

“You’re still here,” he said softly, resting his cheek on her hair. “And you’re surrounded by people who care about you, Lily. Never forget that.”

She nodded into his shoulder, not being able to speak in that moment.

She felt him take a deep breath before she heard his gentle voice. “You’re not alone in this,” he hesitated. “I… I get them too.”

He said nothing more, and Lily understood. She remembered his reluctance at answering her question about his time in Ferelden's Circle - she was not going to ask him questions that he might not be ready to answer. Instead, she held him a little tighter to her, wanting to provide the same comfort he had given her.

She pressed her cheek to his neck gently, unable to resist the urge as she felt her feelings for him grow even more in that moment. “Thank you, Cullen.”

She shivered as he softly rubbed his cheek against her hair.

“Anytime, Lily.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3


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